Your Married Name: To Change or Not to Change?

On Newly Corporate, Jennifer Robinson has a great post for professional women on the vices and virtues of changing your name when you get married.  I’m glad someone else is giving advice on this, because I’ve hemmed and hawed about the issue since my wedding in 2004. 

 

My husband wanted me to take his name, Shankman, but at the time I’d already been published under my birth name, Alexandra Levit.  Originally I decided to be Shankman for personal matters, and Levit for professional matters.  And that was all fine and good, except that sometimes the boundary between personal and professional blurs.  Then it got really confusing and I started forgetting which name I used when. Here are Jennifer’s thoughts:

 

Option 1: Take your husband’s name.  Taking the name of your husband is the most common marriage tradition.  Many couples feel that adopting your husband’s name is respectful and traditional.  However, many modern women don’t feel comfortable with this because they feel like this practice is outdated and they are not the property of their husbands.  Some people, like Jennifer, feel that marriage is a mutual commitment and each partner is equal.  But what if you have a broad network – will people be able to find you if they don’t know your new last name?  If they try hard enough, probably. There’s also a stereotype that married women are more mature and credible.

Option 2:  Don’t change your name.  It’s 2008, not all women are changing their names.  Some women prefer to keep their names.  When choosing this option, some women may want to consider the impact this could have on their children (and how their husbands will feel about this).  Do you want your children to have your last name, their father’s last name or perhaps a combination of both?

Option 3:  Keep your old name professionally, change it socially and/or legally.  If you are having trouble committing to one or the other, using your current name professionally, while legally changing it could be the option for you. 

Option 4:  Use a hybrid approach.   A hybrid marriage approach means combining your name with your new partner’s.  For example, right now, Jennifer’s full name is “Jennifer Kelly Robinson.”  She could change her middle name, which she’s not particularly attached to, to Robinson and become “Jennifer Robinson Kinzig.”  The hybrid approach can go two ways.  If you consider you and your partner to be joining a union together, he could take the hybrid name, too.  That would make Jennifer’s husband  “Matthew Robinson Kinzig.”  The hybrid approach helps both parties maintain their identities.

Option 5:  Use a hyphen approach.  The hyphen approach is pretty common these days.  It’s very similar to the hybrid approach but uses a hyphen.  Sometimes, hyphenated names can seem pretentious, though.

Option 6:  Ask him to change his name.  This is not quite a trend, but some men do change their last names.  Jennifer thinks it’s sweet, and perhaps selfless, for a husband to consider taking his wife’s name.

As Jennifer says, there is no right way or wrong way to handle your name change.  But do talk it over with your partner first, and think about the consequences for the long haul!

Comments

[Katie]

I don't have plans to get married for a while, but changing my name has no appeal to me. After all, I could end up marrying a guy with a name that sounds horrid next to mine... (my parents spend quite a bit of time picking the right name combination for me, how could I throw that away?) And partly it's laziness: I'm spending so much effort getting my own name out there right now... I don't want to do that again. Plus, what if I can't (gasp!) get the domain name?!!!

For me it comes down to having put a lot into defining who I am, and the fact that this question would never come up if I was a guy. I'll happily change my last name to the guy's... if he changes his name to mine in return! ;-)

[Erika with Qvisory]

I've always heard that, unless you've been published/developed a well-known career under your maiden name, that it's better to adopt your husband's name. I changed my name when my husband and I married in 2005 and it's been great. I don't feel "owned" but I do feel like I've joined his family.

[Alexia Vernon]

From the moment my partner and I met, I loved his last name but knew it would never be mine. I simply wouldn't allow myself to become a hack feminist and shift my identity to become "the property of my husband." But after six years together, my perspective evolved. While I knew that changing my name didn't feel right in my bones, I stopped citing a reason outside of myself to justify my decision. Every woman should choose what serves her best. Period. As a new solopreneur, speaker, and emerging writer, keeping my last name made professional sense. It honored my value not to rebrand myself because of a personal relationship. But I'm glad I've shaken my old habit of judging women who make other choices. Such behavior is NOT feminist and took me out of my integrity far more than changing my last name would have.

[Jennifer Robinson]

Thank you for mentioning my Newly Corporate article :)

[Alexandra Levit]

Alexia, thanks for your comments. My own turmoil and indecision over this issue has also led me to be less judgmental. I no longer think it matters as long as both partners are comfortable.

Erika, the published thing was the reason I didn't change my name (or so I told myself :)

Katie, you make a very good point about the domain name. And though alexandrashankman.com is available (I just checked), I can imagine that people would constantly ask if I was related to Peter Shankman (I'm not).

Jennifer, you're welcome, it was a good one!

[Recruiting Animal]

There's no reason to ask her to change her name but by the same token there's no reason to change mine.

Kids? I think there was and still is more ego resistance on this but if I she wanted to give the kid her last name, who really cares? Maybe all the children would have different last names.

It's like dual citizenship only not as confusing.

My only regret is that this makes things difficult for genealogists.

[Alexandra Levit]

Animal, hadn't thought about the geneology stuff, but you're right. Fortunately or unfortunately, almost all my lines have now died out.